


Memories

by PrincessAugustina



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Could be just siblings, Everybody Dies, F/F, Like only if you really squint, Not Really Character Death, Sibling Incest, They get better, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 17:20:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13594752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAugustina/pseuds/PrincessAugustina
Summary: When you're just hours from you own death you can see every mistake you ever made. Every little mistake or betrayal. And my betrayal wasn't small. No, I have betrayed my siblingsSusan remembers what was and is.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is not Beta'd so any mistakes, and there will be some, are mine.

Memories

When you're just hours from you own death you can see every mistake you ever made. Every little mistake or betrayal. And my betrayal wasn't small. No, I have betrayed my siblings. I have denied our bond. I have denied Narnia. Denied, because I thought it childish and tried to grow up. I wanted to be an adult because I've once been. I've tried so hard to become Queen Susan once more, I forgot that this had nothing to do with nylon, lipstick and invitations. No, to be adult had something to do with your inner strength and wisdom. And so I denied Narnia even through it was Narnia I searched.

I will never forget the look in Lucy’s eyes, when she noticed what I was doing. Her eyes were full of tears and she was so disappointed. Not so Edmund, he was angry. But it was a helpless anger which hurt far more. And Peter. The expression in his eyes followed me my whole life. So full of disappointment but knowing. He probably has known it all the time. Known that I would turn my back to Narnia because that was what life meant to me. But it doesn't matter anymore. He is dead and I will be soon. He, Lucy and Edmund died. Died because they wanted to help Narnia, to help Aslan one final time. Or just to get what they were owned. They were so good. Edmund, so just yet so full of compassion. Peter, magnificent yet so passionate. And Lucy, perhaps the best of us. Lucy was the one which kept us together with her invincible faith. She was so valiant yet so naive. And I. Even when it didn’t always seemed like it, I belonged with them. I was the logical one. The one who always wanted it to be like it always has. The doubter. However, we belonged together just like the four seasons. Like the four points on the compass. They were my siblings how could I not love them?  
And then you pulled them out of life and left me alone. Without siblings. An orphan. Every person who I ever loved left me on this doomed day. I was alone with a box full of pictures. Pictures of us. Of all of us. And I noticed that Narnia was a gift, you have given me the chance to see my siblings grow up because in England I never would have had the chance to see them grown up. All those pictures showed my family, happy. Memories on our holidays on the sea came back. Memories of thunderstorm nights in which I climbed into Peter's bed and he comforted me and lulled me into sleep. Memories of chess games with Edmund on rainy Sundays which he won without even trying. Memories of stories which Lucy and I told each other before we went to bed. Memories of Lucy's brilliant eyes, Edmund's triumphant smile, Peter's smile to different to Edmunds. Peter's eyes how they always started to shine when he saw me. Peter's laugh.

Is our life fixed in the moment of birth? I don't believe so. I believe that you create your own life. But I also believe in a power which leads us. There is a god. But this I never really understood until the accident. In the weeks after the accident I didn't believed. In the weeks after the accident my senses weren't there. My memories of these weeks are gray and blurry. But what gave me my faith. It was faith in the form of a wardrobe, an old-fashioned wardrobe which brought back the memories of a hasty escape from Mrs. Macready. The scent of mothballs mixed with the one of fir branches. And then everything was back. Every day of my whole life. Every afternoon I spent in the woods with Lucy, dancing with the fauns. Every hour I spent arguing with Edmund about the war with the giants of the north or just about breakfast. And every minute I spent in Peter's arms. All those memories were brought back by faith masquerading as a wardrobe. Even now I can still remember everything which happened afterwards. How I stretched out my hand and closed my eyes. I can feel the cool wood underneath my hand. I also can remember what happened after I opened the door. I can feel the warm wind on my face, hear the rustle of the trees and smell the sweet breath of Aslan. But I kept my eyes closed because I knew if I would open them the magic would disappear. Until this day I remember Aslan’s voice and how it whispered "Faith. Susan." And from this moment on I knew I wasn't lost. I wasn't forgotten or banished. With a joy which I haven't felt for a long time I turned around and opened my eyes. No, my part wasn't finished. I had something to do in this world. And from that moment on I decided that I would become a teacher. I wanted to take care that no more girls would make the same mistake as I and loose their faith in god. Because I remember Lucy's words. "He's in this world, too. We just have to know him by another name." I've discovered this name and found my faith. My old sceptical Me would take my occurrence on the wardrobe as a dream but Queen Susan had faith, faith without a question. I became a teacher and gave my hope to others. In every girl I saw myself. Saw the confusion which came over them when society suddenly wanted them to grow up even when there still where children in their hearts. Believing in fairy tales.

When my colleagues asked me why I've never married I always said that I had given my life to teaching and my faith, but this wasn't exactly true. I couldn't because I look for something in every man that I would never find in England. I looked for the person who I have seen grown up. How he changed from the clumsy boy into a magnificent man. We have always been very close. Partly because of our age difference. Only a one-year difference made us form a strong relationship. Our closeness only grew after we visited Narnia the first time and when we were send back forever we gave us comfort. We gave each other comfort because there was nobody who would understand what we went through. I could close my eyes to not see things which I didn't want to see but I couldn't close my heart to things which I didn't want to feel. My whole life he has been there for me, cared for me and comforted me. He protected me. Even when I was an adult and a queen he felt like he had to protect me. Before we went through the wardrobe our natural bound was pure and innocent, yet in Narnia where we where king and queen it transformed into something different. Something that I can't describe with words. It was as if the pale, yellow bond which bound us together as siblings transformed into the golden bond of soul mates. My love for him was still pure but it was radiant as the sun. And as the sun he was for me. High king Peter, the magnificent. Something that nobody in England understood. My love for him was the only thing I've never given up. I've doubted it, cried because of it but never given up. 

Nobody was in in my room at the hour of my death. But in my heart, I wasn't alone. When I closed my eyes I could see them all. Edmund, how he gave some advice to Corin. Lucy, how she danced with Mr. Tumnus. And Peter, how he reached out his hand for me. And full of hope I give him mine. And with astonishment I see, I feel how the years fall and I'm once again young and full of live. I feel how he wrappers me up in his strong arms and this gave me strength. I fell a crown on my head and the swish of silk on my legs. When I look up into Peter's face I see that he smiles and looks behind me. Peter is here so Lucy and Edmund must be there as well. I turn around and look into the eyes of my younger siblings. Edmund looks surprisingly happy and Lucy, my little sister Lucy looks beautiful with love in her eyes. "Susan" I hear my name behind me. As I turn around I see HIM. I lower my head and kneel before him. "Daughter of Eve, stand up. Do you believe?" With deep confidence and filled with a faith I stand up and answer with a strong voice. " I believe" I could feel Peter's hand in mine and my other siblings next to me. I know that this is an end. But it is also a beginning of something beautiful. I turn around to Peter and see in his eyes forgiving and love.

"Yes, I believe."


End file.
